Although this is a happy time for us in our lives, the sadness of not having you here, to meet your baby sister is almost at times too much for me to even fathom. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. This staying in bed and waiting to die, because Im pregnant and tired, is bullshit. It felt good to be out and about, doing something a little out of my comfort zone. Ronan. I tell her stories about you, I tell her how much you love her and are watching over her, I tell her how lucky she is to have you as a big brother and Liam and Quinn as well. Its so funny. It still blows my mind that you are never there. What do you mean, I cant talk to him anymore? Its much too early for those. I am so grateful to everyone who came to support your foundation. I had a super important phone call this week. Fuck, I thought to myself. I was excited about this meeting but as always I go in not expecting a thing. I soak them up whenever I can, as much as I can. Tears all over. I just made a choice to get back up and live the only way I know how to live now by fighting for you and all you were robbed of. For those of you who have been trying to order some things on our Big Cartel site, I SO apologize. I still get mad a lot but I find that I am not as reactive with my anger. I dont need to believe in a fucking GOD for this to happen so people need to stop saying that. I had the flu. You with a baby girl. Fernanda came up with the brilliant idea to find an actual mannequin and dress him up like Captain Rex to look like he is playing next to the tree. Robyn. I handed him the baby to hold and I was begging him to help me name this baby boy, as I could not think of a name. 2o minutes after taking that evil little pill and Especially when I have to be at home, in this fucking quiet house, without you. I did not think anything else could happen today, that would leave me speechless. Diving into the freezing ocean like I know you would have. This will be how you live on and help others. It has nothing to do with science. That will never change. How I am trying to manage everything like my stress level and this pregnancy. Hello, who the fuck does this life/grief/pregnancy/death fuckwad, think they are dealing with? Nothing more needed to be said as those words were enough. I could describe him in a thousand different ways. But truthfully, this slow paced living is pissing me off. Your Sparkly just looked at me and said, No matter what this is, my book is already written. You deserved better, Ronan and I will forever be so sorry that after everything that we tried and did for you that it death was still the final outcome. A baby girl and now this?! Quinn was eating a piece of steak beside me. I will get through it the best I can, just like I did last year. We both ache for our children so badly that it makes every single bone in our bodies throb with pain. AKA-the Devil. The biggest reason of all. I wont tell you everything they did to him, because I feel like I have to protect you. I then went on Google to do some research on if cats and raccoons are friends. This led to him calling my phone. How can it already be 2 years since you left this earth? I have not been sleeping well. The thought of that, put a smile on my face. Katie. I know the power of our love can take the worst thing possible, and help others. We shall see, right Ro baby. They may have gently slapped me here and there, but they didnt talk ill or abandon me or whisper behind my back. Thanks as always for your love and support. There is nothing sweet and fluffy about having to dig your babies ashes out of his urn to place them in a plastic baggie, so you can take him on a trip with you. Im not even a nurse. Its the Who is Mr. Sparkly Eyes. A lot of you, ask that in my comments. They are so not cool with it. I am overwhelmed. I saw a cat in our driveway and right behind that, a big raccoon. Mandy came over and grabbed my head and kissed the top of it. Things like this dont happen in real life, right? Again, but not always. If you cant be here with me, I will honor you by bringing your little light everywhere that I can. Including a Childrens Hospital ward where we spent so much time. I even had to tell your Nana, not to come. 34 and being pregnant can suck it. She of course made a ninja plan to help me tomorrow, go and find it. I said, Sure! Of course you know I am so impatient when it comes to all things being pregnant. If that wasnt enough to make me cry, the next thing was. As in, this is exactly what they would be doing if you were here but you are not here, so how are we doing the exact same things? He was proud of the advice he gave me that I listened to. You know that you could have been in bed for the past year, and we would have all been o.k. I said I knew. I begged and pleaded with you once again in the parking garage. Eddie Vedder will forever be one of my idols in life as I appreciate so much how he just lives his life the way he wants, with no apologies. How can we make this happen? Like you are missing and not actually dead. Im so sad and I cant stop crying. I miss you. Yelling, Quinny! I hope you are safe. I may have had a mini freak out last night in our hotel room. Dont get me wrong, I am grateful for the opportunity, but its still very difficult. He is a man that cares and sticks to his word. We talked about New York for a bit. I was laying in bed. show in Florida. I am doing this to protect myself because I already know I am going to need the time. Ive spent about the past year, avoiding our house during the day, because I hate it so much without you here. You know how I hate our little frienemy. Period. The thought of any type of food, makes me nauseous, except pies. I cant though. I can do a city, all alone, and badass, any other month, but not this month. Those moments mean so much to me. What if I totally freak out and lose it? He deserved to be mine, for much longer than almost 4 years. Happy Birthday pic for our Mr. Sparkly Eyes. Did I forget to mention the fact that I know your sister is going to be extra spicy, just like you? on Dear Grief/Pregancy, You will NOT kill mysoul. Its raining like crazy here today. Please bring him back. Aye! From somebody named Tree. Then perfect your baby has cancer Ronan, but we will fix him. Which is why I may have such a big problem with being out in the real world now. Please. I cannot believe how truly hard you are working, Ronan. Ambien won. To bond. P.S. I imagined it. I could tell your Nana was a bit sad about this but I just said, Mom, I dont know how or what I am going to be feeling and I just want to be able to be, without having the pressure of having to fake like I am feeling one way, if I am not. She just gave me a squeeze and told me, Of course, honey. with that. I leave soon. I just want to sit and cry, so I do. I peeked through our kitchen window from the outside of our house before going in. I worry about it with your brothers, too. I dont think Ive ever seen a raccoon in Arizona before. Every day is hard without you, but this time of the year there seems to be a shift about me that I cannot control. "My darling, call the number back." This came from the man who answers every phone call from every unknown number that rings him up . I am trying to relish in all the beauty of this but it is secretly making me hostile. on Nothing like some hometown love to kick cancersass. Forever sorry. To feel sad. I know Ive been quiet. Yes, it was barbaric. Ronan. Its late now. A sleepy little town, where it seems as problems do not exist. Nothing could have prepared me for what it is like to be pregnant, after losing you. I sent Dr. Jo a text to tell her that this conference desperately needed her there. I cannot imagine what that must feel like for you. Today, was a really happy day full of never-ending tears. Having my own office, is going to help so much. Once I got to my car, I knew it would be a while before I was able to leave the parking lot. Even when you have a dead kid, life just goes on. Having your Poppy sister has saved me. We had a little debate that I took a stance on and refused to back down. Missing you. We met up with some friends. With the little free time that I had in New York, I spent it with Rachel. Homemade whipped cream. I know Poppy is going to help us find our way a little more, too. Because if I would have left that meeting today and had to report back to your daddy/board members about the conversation that was had, they would have all told me to get out of my fantasy world and back to reality. But all the gratitude and good things will keep me going I promise you that. Melissa. I talked with her a bit about how I really didnt want to get it. I know this but sometimes I like to close my eyes and just pretend. Marisa. I love you. I cannot keep up with everything that is going on and life seems to running at an outrageous speed. I'm trying to get there as fast as I can. Especially when it involves you, which it always does. I felt myself panic. For as much as I can say all I care about is a healthy baby, the truth is, a little girl would mean so much mainly for the fact that you wanted a baby sister. Our weekly little catch up that means everything to me. No way could it really be a girl. This does not suit you at all., me: Fine. I knew but I also knew from day one, that I couldnt do that. Ro baby. All of my friends are. Blackness engulfs my forever painfully aching body of grief. Our Fairy RoMo. Ronan. But I am not doing this the nice way. I told her I knew. Such amazing little boys they are. A little seal with the biggest eyes. I am so tired of this life without you. Im sick. I honestly do. There is no way I can even fathom the thought of taking down your things and packing them away. Its too much, especially at this point in your life., Me: But I always do these things alone. I am always the most intense when I am the saddest/on the verge of jumping out of our 7 story hotel room. It was quiet. Are you o.k. I think I told you that I tried to prep, with Dr. JoRo about this whole getting pregnant thing. When I remembered this meeting was taking place, I of course told your Fairy RoMo about it and she was more than happy to go with me. I hope you are safe. They turned out beautifully. I was in the middle of sending an email when he came down to get me. Im really sick and alone and nobody wants to take care of me., Mr. Sparkly Eyes: You are not alone. Its not funny. I dont do well with them. I NEVER get to make him smile with happy news, because all the news I sit and share with him is usually so fucking sad or me venting. Her secret is not something you can get at med school. I end up with a black mascara filled face and usually huddled up on the floor somewhere. I nodded my head that it was, because it is; but there is also something comforting about it too. I dont think she knew quite what to make of me. I still think this baby is going to die, so therefore I am trying not to get too attached to it yet. Mascara and snot everywhere. Please, Ronan. I hate the month of May. Most of our weekends are low key. Now I feel like I am in prison. It felt like it today. Not always is good enough for me, as of now. My nights have been spent writing and working on this book. Maybe after she gets here, my mind will change but as of now, it has not. Your brothers have a basketball game tomorrow. So much. Realness. The song was supposed to be on her original RED album, but her record executive, Scott Borchetta, did not think it would be a good fit for the album, so she released it as a stand-alone single to help benefit cancer charities. I need your help. I huffed and puffed. It was a boy. I know he feels the same way that I do, that this book is not only our beautiful, tragic love story, but it is another way to spread awareness as well. It took me a minute to explain all of this to them, but by the end they were both a little teary eyed and said they agreed with me and understood why. I met with one editor from a certain publishing house, more than once. This is what I am here to do, Ronan. Ive noticed myself starting to have a really hard lately. I ended up waking up, and having a mini freak out session/panic attack which caused me to slam two Ambien and send some insane text messages to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. Can we talk about when you can induce me. I miss you. There Are 2 Things in Life I Will Never Say No To. Bye Bye Little Sad House! They seem to be growing by the day and that makes me so proud. He knows that too. Are people really not aware or are we just plain being ignored? Why would I want to break it anymore? I know we can change this. I asked her to just give me some time and to come in, after we get home from the hospital. Beauty. I spent the next couple of days, wishing for death just due to how physically awful I felt and for the first time, it was due to something else then the loss of you. I'm landing close to midnight. with you being somewhere else. I think she was sobbing on the phone while she tried to talk to me about the decision I made to go out there and if I had actually thought it through. She has given me such a gift already and she is only a week old. How could anyone look at your face, and not be broken-hearted? All happy and carefree. 4 boys but there should have been 6. I am doing the only thing I know how which is leaving this all in the hands of you. Thats all I needed to hear. Not even his witty remark made me giggle. No sleep needed. Darling (P.S., SB that's your new name) , an honest talk with my husband, and the music that blares on my headphones from a mixed C.D. I am also very productive at 2 a.m. Anything else I need to address tonight?? Im soaking that up, because it doesnt happen often. My 2 a.m. witching hour can be fun, Ro! We went to dinner in this big city last night. Slow down. I wish so badly that I could make this a reality, because I dont know what else to do. He asked me why I looked so perplexed. That destroys me. I couldn't take it anymore. Gnite. Giggling everywhere. Please make this about more than just science. It all started with her looking me in the eyes and saying, What do you want? THANK YOU. The problem Im facing is I may have too much material, and too much to say. That means everything to me. Liz. Is this normal? Lights out for the next 7 hours. They are such good little boys. Good friends. It was the first time that the 9th wasnt completely gut wrenchingfor me. I dont remember the last time Ive written to you and I dont like that. Dr. Schwartz calmly talked about when she could induce me and told me that she would not let me go to my due date because she knows the fear I have. I forget to write about 23 months without you. WTF. Ive been a fucking mess, but hiding it pretty well. Only Eddie Vedder could drink wine on a stage and make it lookbadass. They just let me be, trusting in me to come around when I needed to come around. I would have put on your sweet little pajamas and tucked you into bed with me, where you belong. You were supposed to be with me, for the rest of MY life. I wonder how comethe wholewide world doesnt feel this way, too. Of course my Taylor Swift playlist was playing. Thank you, V and K. For being so kind and generous today. I am not taking your day and turning it into something fucking pretty, happy, light, and filled with angels from above. Carolyn called me and left me a message that said something like, This is the yellow brick road and you are Dorothy! That make me smile so big. A lot is wrong with me, actually. We have had those picked out for a long time. This will be your legacy, Ronan. And that is all I want more than anything in the world. To say I am beyond disappointed, is an understatement. I love you. THANK YOU. I told him about the story that somebody told me about the Poppy flower. We talked about Poppy for a while. Ahhhh! Ronan. Stacy. She needs a break and this trip is just what the doctor ordered. (still sick and maybe a little depressed) He put his keys on our dresser, just like he always does, right in front of your urn. She has been keeping me on my toes and the determination that I see in her eyes reminds me so much of you. May 9th. As always, I am thankful for you and that I am your mama. Whatever this baby is, it will be loved. Nothing in the world will ever taste as good, smell as good, or feel as good as it did when you were here with me. Through my flood of tears I sent your Sparkly a text, Can you please get Ronans costume for me. Everything around here is really calm and peaceful. I miss him when we are away so much. If it is, fix it. I hope you are safe. I love you. (but dont tell Poppy. Ronan. So far, so good. I cannot process this. All I know is this is the way it is. I hope you know I am thankful for you taking the time to learn about Ronan and for every single penny that comes our way. He is the last person I told today. Then perfect toddler Ronan. I am not doing anything else. I often give her crap about this. I will do my best to get through the day. She is so lucky to have you. He responded back with a simple, I will. I said, I know. Its not the same as having you here. I love you. The cancer had not spread and was confined to just that one area. I told your brothers. Hes had a sinus infection (Yay! Instead, I grabbed Rachel and took her with me. Tell me your dream for all of this. So I blabbed all about our Neuroblastoma Research and Care Center. He was my best friend, the love of my life.. this cant be real. I miss you. As I said before, I dont think I need any words. Do I need to get on a plane to come home? Its not my choice, its yours. Im o.k. I told them it was o.k. Why are your eyes so red today? He asked. How About No Expectations Because Nobody Knows.. I thank you for him, every single day. Sweet dreams, baby doll. Thats all I want to eat. Tomorrow, I will bake with Macy. Her pump, full, lips look just like yours. You being sick, unable to do things, just does not go hand in hand. the chucking continues. Especially not in this day and age when kids die from cancer, due to lack of funding alone. I miss my workouts. I had visions of organizing a protest outside the White House. No. I can feel it. You can see the link for the website here. As long as I get to see it through them. I look forward to hearing her speak tomorrow. Ryan Stahr Kulchinsky (born January 7, 1978) is an American rock singer-songwriter from Long Island, New York, currently signed on Island Records.His first major label record 11:59, released via Atlantic in 2010, reached No. I had a good day. How could my baby be just fucking dead? Throw up. I dont want anyone at the hospital, except your daddy and your brothers when the time is right and she is here, safe and sound. I was wearing my most favorite Frye Cowboy boots that I have had for about 7 years. I honestly still cannot believe you are gone and that I dont get to chase you around anymore. I was hoping she wasnt thinking, Who is this crazed stalker with purple hair?? I was restless the night before due to this phone call even though I told myself I was just going to wing and speak from the heart, I still went to bed over-analyzing everything. I told her the awful dream I had about you and how my memory of you was completely gone. If it was not, things like this would not just continue to happen over and over again. How I would hold you and your daddy would give you the shot. It was the Ambien that knocked me into a black coma of oblivion, not the soothing words of everything is going to be alright that I needed to hear. I know I love it, but I also know it will never take the place of you. You have to be mentally and physically exhausted, sweetheart. OUCH!!!! I dont my hatred with meat will last, but as of now the thought of it makes me ill. Pie. This is the Captain Rex that will go under your tree at PCH this year. The ultra sound tech could not get over her long, long legs. "Ronan" was released on September 8, 2012, as a charity song by Taylor Swift. the ideas would not stop flowing. A world of shiny, happy people. on Its 3:25 a.m.? How could it be with your sweet sister snuggled up to me? She did not make me feel like the crazy person that I was feeling like which was so nice of her to do. There is no other way to explain how that man knows the darkest parts of my soul and heart, yet he is not afraid. I think the name is darling and it truly makes me smile. Not the other way around. I would give my life for those problems. I so badly, wanted my little sidekick and partner in crime. Ive been keeping myself busy enough because my life depends on it. I am not perfect. I would like May 9th to be National F U Cancer day. I dont want to talk to much about it because I dont want to jinx myself. And it was to childhood cancer. More than anything. Thank you, sweet strangers. I told them what I have been thinking. I am not thankful to that asshole cancer. Please!!!!!!! was when it was all I could do not to crawl under the table and curl up in a ball. They said they wanted to help find a cure for cancer and know I would put it to good use. I told your daddy he needs to build a new room for this baby because its not having yours. I finished the lake and my knee actually felt o.k. She asked if I remembered your service and how difficult it was. Poppy is developing such a little personality and at 7 months, is already trying to walk. I need to rough them up a bit. Nobody knows that. We think we have our boy name too. Follow up plans were made. I love you. Forever friends because of the unthinkable bond that we share. Yes, The White House should be GOLD. She lost her daughter to cancer. Now that Ive met you, youre in. It was like I was let into the most exclusive club that ever existed. I forgot to tell you all that I got a phone call from some lovely peeps that run a T.V. The next thing I knew, this baby started talking and saying, Ronan, Ronan, Ronan, over and over again. Im so sorry for all you had to go through. Get this done. I have had a blast and it is a healthy, good distraction. I picked up Starbucks. Reply. OMG. Quinn was over the moon. Ill fall asleep quickly as I have been doing so easily lately. I took everything she said to heart and appreciated her willingnessto be so open and honest with me. I went and got it. I could not believe my ears. I told him how he was pretty much the only person I listened to in this life anymore. I need to find a hobby during my witching hours. Ronan. You two are going to be something else. I laughed and talked about you a little bit. I am still pretty sick. I tried to get to sleep at a decent hour last night but my achy body and the thoughts of you, were consuming me. Consider it done. he said. She made me smile so for that moment in time, I was o.k. I miss him so much.. I spent the day with a friend of mine. After the whole White House petition, I knew I was due for a breakdown. Dr. Jo. First things first, Ronan. And maybe a little less sad. Best news ever. I feel like I havent been able to catch my breath all day and its not just from Poppy suffocating me. It started with that phone call from your Mr. Sparkly Eyes while I was out in the Hamptons with your Poppy sister. Please keep your Poppy sister safe. THANK YOU. That phone call that left me with my head going to the worst possible places and telling myself I wouldnt survive this big of a loss, once again. Darling. I sent your Mr. Sparkly Eyes a text. I choose to live in it. I'm trying to get there as fast as I can. That will never go away. Having my own space without your little empty bedroom 10 feet away from where I am working is going to save me. I need an intervention. I felt myself slipping into a deep depression that I hadnt felt in a while. You are going to make the best grand poppy ever. My list will include the things that are truly important such as the health of your brothers, this Poppy baby, your daddy, our loved ones and for all the people who have been touched by your story and who are helping keep you alive in a way. I dont get a life full of beauty, only moments. The bloody hell worst day of my life. The lady started measuring some things. Pain. A big city is not where we need to be right now. Fuck. I have a ton more to write about, but I have to get ready for this little Skype interview set up that I am doing. Youre doing too much.. Our girl name was picked out even before Liam and Quinn were born. Our house still to me feels so empty and sad, without you here. I could easily see myself sinking into a very depressed state of mind and not getting out of bed until Poppy is born. Thank you for all the Roideas today. Nobody was there. You were innocent. Heres how Im going to get through the next two months. Dear Grief/Pregancy, You will NOT kill mysoul. Nowhere else. Please keep all the other people out there, who may be going through a hard time, in your thoughts. I hope you are safe. She called around to a few places. Pretty soon, Poppy was on the big screen. I listened to him like I always do. I talked about it in a way that I made her understand why the care is just as important as the research. Really hard in the way that I felt not long after losing you.